Had a session with Dr. Tiger yesterday – group therapy, naturally, because apparently my issues are “too entertaining to keep private.” Thanks, Doc.

We were discussing the fundamental flaw in how humans approach dog psychology. You see, somewhere along the evolutionary highway, humans convinced themselves that dogs are just furry little humans who happen to walk on four legs and have an unhealthy obsession with tennis balls.

“Sit, stay, heel” – as if life’s complexities could be reduced to a series of commands and treats. Einstein (that’s our resident Border Collie genius with ADHD) put it best during yesterday’s session: “They give us ‘system upgrades’ when the real problem is they never understood our operating system in the first place.”

The truth is, every behavioral “problem” is just a dog trying to communicate something profound about existence, and humans responding with a spray bottle. It’s like trying to critique Shakespeare by correcting his spelling.

Take Princess Pawdrey Hepburn, for instance. Humans diagnosed her with “Multiple Coats Disorder” because she changes personalities with different outfits. But has anyone considered that maybe she’s just exploring the fluid nature of identity? That perhaps she’s discovered what Carl Jung only theorized – that we all contain multitudes?

But no. Humans see a dog in a tutu acting dramatically and think: “Problem. Must fix.”

Meanwhile, I’m over here having deep philosophical conversations with historical figures (who may or may not be figments of my highly medicated imagination), and they label it “dissociative episodes.”

The audacity.